damn straight.

psalm of a 16 year old girl.

uh, found this piece of crap from my journal i kept at age sixteen. i was cheesy, but at least i was semi-faithful.

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i want to make you happy
with the things i do on earth
but it's so hard sometimes and i let you down
it's hard staying clean in the dirt

i fall so short of your glory (wtf does that even mean??)
day after day after day
but i'm trying, lord, and you're gracious
i believe every word you say

i'll follow your word
it holds most meaning and truth
i'll hold onto its' promises
and learn more about you.

i always did love white tigers.

this book kind of kicked ass.

buy here.

from seattle to las vegas.

so i am in vegas getting a break from seattle for a bit. it is really good to see my grandpa, my aunt, and my mom here. and it is refreshing to get away from my life for a bit. but las vegas makes me so very sad, and always has for some time.

on the radio today i went through the radio stations and heard beyonce on two different stations at the same time. then i heard some hip-hop music with this guy whose voice sounded like he had suffered a severe injury to his trachea, although i know he did not...then i heard some song about a circus performance only to find out it was the one and only britney spears. (see here)

it was actually making me nauseous so finally i found an oldies station and settled on that for a while. i listened to my grandpa tell me about his school days with my grandma and THAT was refreshing.

until i came home to catch a bit of some show i had never heard of, called...fuck what is it called...i dont know but something about America and Talent. i knew it was going to be bad, but just how bad i had no idea. america's idea of talent is apparently shit. so i sat and read my book, which i am loving, (white tiger - aravind adiga) and came across this passage:

Now, Mr. Ashok's thinking was smart. Ten years ago, they say, there was nothing in Gurgaon, just water buffaloes and fat Punjabi farmers. Today it's the modernest suburb of Delhi. American Express, Microsoft, all the big American companies have offices there. The main road is full of shopping malls - each mall has a cinema inside! So if Pinky Madam missed America, this was the best place to bring her.

so being here, in las vegas, is reminding me of what america is, for the most part. seattle looks and feels so very different from the rest of the country - in a way that is immensely refreshing and hopeful to me. i do not by any means want the rest of the US to turn into seattle, washington. but i do want parents to understand that nutrition and good food are important. and just because something is cheap does not mean it is a good value. mental illness is not the same as being dramatic - nor is it something to exploit and produce additional issues out of. recycling and composting arent for hippies, but for our grandchildren. oh and i want teenagers to know what actual instruments sound like when they are not just sounds produced from a computer and into a song and through FM radio. these are REALLY simple things, actually.

mostly, i do not want our children to watch the America Talent show with david hasselhoff, who i am sure has zero talent and isnt actually an american, only to see dancers wearing polyester sari's and dancing to the pussycat dolls and falling under the illusion that indian people dress that way and listen to that music. there is actually beautiful clothing and adornments worn and wonderfully lively music coming out of that, and other countries. and, also and hopefully - indians will someday realize that america is not only debt, technology enabling laziness, shopping malls that allow everyone to look exactly the same, and awfully insincere cinematic portraits of love that we all know is never quite so shiny.

i suppose we have some work to do before the rest of the world sees how good and beautiful we can be, as a country. and i am pretty sure it all boils down to how we raise our kids, but it need not be determined by how we were raised.

and now i will stumble off my soapbox...

ghosts

i thought i left you behind
i thought you were gone for good
i worked like hell to move on from you
i gave up my fucking life and friends and family just to be rid of you
i found you werent worth it
or so i thought
i rebuilt all you tore down
i stood on the shoulders of those you told me werent enough
and they proved you wrong
i left you and your literal fucking deathgrip
i found freedom and found there was more than you were using to consume me
i was happy and whole and free
but i guess i got greedy
the day i even just thought maybe there was more...
you came rushing back into my life
you wasted no time at all
and now youre using my dreams and my love against me
i am realizing that you never actually left me
not even the water and mountains could keep you away
i feel you ruining me and laughing at all i thought once true
you led me to believe it all
and believe it with everything in me
you knew your case would be stronger this way
you knew if i could give up here, with all i have and with all the beauty i now know
you would really have won this time
and there would be no intervention. i would not ask for it.


but i am not playing your stupid fucking game.
you can go to hell where you belong.
and be tortured by all the life and love you will no longer keep me from.