help!

i moved to seattle ten months ago and now i have no idea who i am.

easter photo shoot.

darn you laura. i miss you and this is the only way for you to see me and my cats again. have i mentioned that i stopped grooming?? im totally serious...you should probably come up and intervene.

The Keepin' It Real tag rules:

* Take a picture of yourself RIGHT now.
* No primping or preparing.
* Just snap a picture.
* Load the picture onto your blog.
* Tag some people to play.










i dont know many bloggers! adam, maybe you can post a pic of ivy?? and joshua eatman...what do you look like these days?? eric - if you get bored in germany, go for it!! greta b - you and wallace, go!!

bad friday, alleluia.

tonight we have nails. i was reluctant to receive one. all day i felt an uneasiness i could not shake yet could not figure out. i did not want to attend good friday gathering and i thought to myself, "this is odd. i love cota gatherings." but something about the thought of coming made me both anxious and angry. i figured i should attend anyway.

upon arrival i was given a nail. i didt want to take it and so i told my friend, half-jokingly, "i don't want it." to which he replied, "really?" but not a condescending "really?," it was more of a "really? because that's okay, i understand."

only i didnt understand my hesitation...not until that point when i realized i was given this nail. and i didnt ask for it. and i ache that jesus was forsaken and that the whole of humanity, including myself, is almost completely awful and even at fault in some ways. but it still all seems unfair.

we were to take our nails to a sandbox sitting next to a cross. at first i wasnt going to take it. i was just going to hold onto my nail in my back pocket. but i saw other friends and members of my community dropping their nails in, each turn making an awkward, ugly clank. and i felt as though i should take ownership of my dysfunction along with everyone else.

but i had an extremely hard time doing so. i sort of rushed the process, refusing to feel the weight of the shame and guilt associated with this day in church history.

i am not proud. but i am not self-depraving. i am doing my best. we all are. i seek guidance along the way. i wish peace upon the world and all its creatures. i fail and seek mercy, but i am doing my very best.

this is all very hard for me. i think it is the tension i will always face with being a person of faith in this life. i dont know how to reconcile the very real and strong feelings of guilt and shame for what i do and who i am, but i carry with me an honest insistence that being handed a nail and born into a story is not fair.

oh well i suppose. i believe in a resurrection to new life after murder and after death. i believe in a god who is graceful whether or not i deserve it or if i even think i deserve it or not. and for the record, yes - i think we all deserve some grace. im tired of hearing im undeserving. sorry. praise the lord, alleluia.

boredom is rage spread thin -paul tillich...and there is no good reason for that.

i find myself completely captivated this week, as spring is slowly but surely making its way through the grey and the clouds of seattle. i have been in flip flops and i have spent time walking around all over the place, just in awe and wonder at what i can feel approaching.

it is an exciting time, for sure. after a few months of searching and applying for jobs, i finally landed myself a barista position - thanks to a kick-ass small business owner who decided to give me a chance. this is financially, very helpful for me. and potentially helpful to those who have offered me gifts and loans over the last few months. but it is also a step forward in other ways which are even further invaluable. i feel as though i can step away from wherever i was stuck, and start planning for the short term and long term future. i can begin to look at the direction my life is heading and make some decisions, instead of just living as though i had no choices. i am thankful for this. i need this. i need to feel like i am going somewhere, for once. also, i have been bored. and felt useless with my days. i entered into the most depressing and wasteful sloth. i have been sleeping til noon day after day only to lay around and work a few hours and then return to more sleep. while customer service in any form has its drawbacks, it is - to say the least - interactive. while my tendency is to retreat and keep to myself, i need this social activity. and i need to spend more time laughing with people around me. i am excited that this job might help me gather these things back into my life.

with spring approaching, it is natural to feel a sense of excitement. i have it, for sure. the cold, dark, and wet winter is difficult for some to bare. i found it refreshing, quite honestly. it felt more true to my experience, as opposed to the sun which at times can be too bright and perky. but cherry blossoms are blooming and windows are opening and i cant help but feel comfort at newfound warmth on my skin. so while the winter may have been difficult, i cant say i would have this level of anticipation or zeal and hope for life to come had it not been so damn dark.

i want to wake up early and stay out as long as there is the slightest hint of light. i want to go on a weekly hike. i want to take photographs of the beauty surrounding me. i want to love despite consequence. i want to sit by the water and stare in awe that it is just right there, containing a whole world of life in its depths. i want to read and make sense of the things i am experiencing while i am attempting to live more fully, with the help of spring.

just as one loses their sense of peace and ecstasy once one returns home from a church gathering or concert or whatnot, i am sure i will lose my sense of wonder and fervor to a certain extent. but this being my first spring in this beautiful part of the country, it is doubtful i will be able to resist the excitement that shoots up every time i open the door and step outside. i think it will, as it has thus far, draw me to life.