petals - preparing for spring.

"Love proves itself by deeds, so how am I to show my love? Great deeds are forbidden me. The only way I can prove my love is by scattering flowers and these flowers are every little sacrifice, every glance and word, and the doing of the least actions for love." Thérèse of Lisieux

prayer of st. patrick

always been one of my favorites...



I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

------------------------------

yup, christ in the poop.

lent sucks.

i should first say that my personality SUCKS. i am a feeler. big time. i get completely caught up and consumed by all things emotive. a dead bug can bring me to a severe existential crisis at any given moment. imagine the effects a deadening relationship or the loss of a loved one or a severing of ties for any given reason may have on a person such as myself. further, i am an all or nothing person. when i am committed to a value, a thought, a band, a relationship, a job...i am all in. my whole being is consumed in any given situation. which also means, when i am done i am DONE...with a job, with school, with a living siutation, etc - but never on people. i can never escape this one. commitment wins, along with my hypersensitive emotions and attachments. for all of these reasons mentioned, i am FUCKED.

when you put all of your time and energy into something for a period of time, it becomes impossible for someone like me to get out. this has been an intense struggle my whole life. i make no clean breaks. instead, i deeply entangle myself in situations and when they must end, there is a very painful and stretching process of being torn away against my will. and when i am cut loose, i often feel as though i am left with nothing, because i all too easily give up everything.

i have been thinking/struggling with these things a lot lately. with loss and with the hyper-emotive person i somehow became. there is really no way for me to engage the world healthily given these two realities. i am overcome and i am hopeless. i have been there too many times. and so it seems i must allow god to step in. there really is not much more to lose, so i have been trying to make some room for god to work in the midst of my fears and my sorrows and my complete hopelessness.

i suppose god really does give a shit, because i have felt peace in a place i didnt know it could exist since i have invited god back into my life. mainly through my personal readings and the readings of the church over this last weekend.

at cota last night we heard the gospel text from john 2:13-22:

"The Passover of the Jews was near, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple he found people selling cattle, sheep, and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. Making a whip of cords, he drove all of them out of the temple, both the sheep and the cattle. He also poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. He told those who were selling the doves, "Take these things out of here! Stop making my Father's house a marketplace!" His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for your house will consume me." The Jews then said to him, "What sign can you show us for doing this?" Jesus answered them, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." The Jews then said, "This temple has been under construction for forty-six years, and will you raise it up in three days?" But he was speaking of the temple of his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this; and they believed the scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken."

i heard this passage as a metaphor for where my life is at right now, appropriately. since i moved to seattle, i have been sitting in a temple that i have been constructing over the course of months. looking back, i am just as foolish as the money changers. the money changers sat around going about their business and most likely not thinking anything was wrong. but actually they were harboring a place of lies and deceit and ugliness. there is simply no getting around that, even if (as i believe) the money changers didnt actually intend on defiling the holy temple. here jesus steps in and shows them exactly what it is they have been involved in. and he calls them to destroy it. just like that. my argument to god over destroying any piece of my life is the same. "but...no...i cant...i dont know how...i have been doing this for so long...and i know nothing else but this...even if it is a little distorted...you cant mean it...tear it down?? really?? sigh."

i resent god for being so harsh and not offering an easier alternative. and for not informing me long ago that the temple would be destroyed eventually...i would not have invested so much had i known. but this is how it is. and i can be pissed about it and refuse to place myself in such vulnerable positions any longer...or i can trust that jesus will rebuild what he has called us to tear down.

"i must never, at any moment, presume to say that there is no way out for god because i cannot see any. for it is despair and presumption to confuse one's pittance of imagination with the possibility over which god disposes." soren kierkegaard.

my fears and my sorrow often block imagination and faith. more often than not, i do not actually believe in "better days" or a "light at the end of the tunnel" or any of those things. even if i did, they do not in any way make up for the shit we are forced to live through or the messes we find ourselves in when we had good intentions all along. so i am not a hopeful person. not naturally, anyway.

but i can believe in possibility. and i can be thankful that when jesus said he would raise the temple up in three days, he did more than build another structure which would be inhabited by the same evil. instead, the body of jesus was raised up; beautiful and dynamic and life-giving. i must believe in this possibility for my life and the life of the world, despite all that is seen and unseen and despite what i know and what is in my head.

i hope that in these days i may continually look to jesus as a way of knowing it is never the end. beautiful beautiful things come up from the ground, particularly when we are willing to tear down what we have already made a mess of anyway.

so here is to lent. and the tearing down and letting go and giving up of what keeps us from life, all in order to make room for wonderful possibility.

seems appropriate for today.

daniel 9:3-10

3 Then I turned to the Lord God, to seek an answer by prayer and supplication with fasting and sackcloth and ashes. 4 I prayed to the Lord my God and made confession, saying,

"Ah, Lord, great and awesome God, keeping covenant and steadfast love with those who love you and keep your commandments, 5 we have sinned and done wrong, acted wickedly and rebelled, turning aside from your commandments and ordinances. 6 We have not listened to your servants the prophets, who spoke in your name to our kings, our princes, and our ancestors, and to all the people of the land. 7 "Righteousness is on your side, O Lord, but open shame, as at this day, falls on us, the people of Judah, the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and all Israel, those who are near and those who are far away, in all the lands to which you have driven them, because of the treachery that they have committed against you. 8 Open shame, O Lord, falls on us, our kings, our officials, and our ancestors, because we have sinned against you. 9 To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him, 10 and have not obeyed the voice of the Lord our God by following his laws, which he set before us by his servants the prophets.

the bible, revisited again and all over

this post was supposed to be about the movie "monster," which came out a while ago but i just watched recently. but i just came across this article and found it to be one of the best i have come across in a long time. i really appreciate this guy and his words...



read here:
"Good Book: What I learned from reading the Bible."

"Yet the argument itself represents a kind of belief, because it commits me to engage with God."

long posts about completely unrelated films, part one.

i have recently watched a shitload of movies. mostly bc it is a really nice way to pass time. and also, i want to be sure i am getting the most out of my blockbuster account. two of the movies i have recently viewed are "the happening" and "monster."

everyone i have spoken to was very adamant about not wasting my life watching "the happening." but how can i pass up an m. night shyamalan film?!?! the majority opinion seemed to be that it was just dumb. nobody had any good reasons though. so of course i had to see for myself. also, i usually really enjoy movies most people hate and i hate the ones that most people love. maybe i just like being different, who knows. anyway, i dont know what was not to like about "the happening." it was: original. there is no disputing that claim. who else is going to make a movie about serial suicides?? it was also: suspenseful. the whole time through i was really into it, wondering what the hell was going on and what was going to happen. i will say, the movie was relationally lacking. i didnt really buy the relationship between elliot and alma, although i LOVE both mark wahlberg and of course zoe deschanel. but something was just missing there. okay, all of that aside...i found the ending to be the most significant for me...

spoiler alert: so the "plot" of the happening, i guess - is that there is this stuff in the air that, when exposed to, makes people kill themselves. so if you are outside when this wind passes through, youre dead. elliot and alma and their friend's daughter, jess, somehow manage to escape this wind through the entire film. in the end, they end up at this old woman's house and are relatively safe. at some point, however, alma and jess go to something like a guest house that is connected to the main house, but not a part of it. elliot is in the main house. as they are separated, they realize that something in the air has changed. if they leave their posts, they are bound to die. so they sit for a while. and then, for whatever reason, elliot and alma decide to run out to each other, despite the deadly air.

i guess i enjoyed this last scene of elliot and alma running toward each other because i have been thinking a lot about love and relationships these days. i have been wondering if they are worth the effort and energy we put into them. and i have been wondering if there were an easier way to do relationships. a way that doesnt leave us so vulnerable. but this movie, or this scene at least, made me realize that there isnt. love is realizing that we are better off facing death together than living life alone. love is stepping out of our solitude and braving the elements and sacrificing our well being just to be there for another. there is no other way to do it. we cant do anything about the atmosphere we step into in an effort to love one another. sometimes the air will be clean and pure and lovely, but other times it may cost us our lives. and the point is that we move toward one another either way. and if this movie reveals any kind of truth. and if the christian narrative reveals any kind of truth. (i know, i am a heretic for suggesting "the happening" is in any way a reflection of the story of christ, but bear with me...) if love is true, then it will be okay in the end, despite the elements in the air. and even when it is not okay, it is...because we are in it together. and that can be enough in its own way.

so that is what i took from the happening, but i was quickly brought down by one of the following movies i viewed, monster...and i will reflect on that experience in a following post so as not to bore the shit out of you if i havent already...