bad friday, alleluia.

tonight we have nails. i was reluctant to receive one. all day i felt an uneasiness i could not shake yet could not figure out. i did not want to attend good friday gathering and i thought to myself, "this is odd. i love cota gatherings." but something about the thought of coming made me both anxious and angry. i figured i should attend anyway.

upon arrival i was given a nail. i didt want to take it and so i told my friend, half-jokingly, "i don't want it." to which he replied, "really?" but not a condescending "really?," it was more of a "really? because that's okay, i understand."

only i didnt understand my hesitation...not until that point when i realized i was given this nail. and i didnt ask for it. and i ache that jesus was forsaken and that the whole of humanity, including myself, is almost completely awful and even at fault in some ways. but it still all seems unfair.

we were to take our nails to a sandbox sitting next to a cross. at first i wasnt going to take it. i was just going to hold onto my nail in my back pocket. but i saw other friends and members of my community dropping their nails in, each turn making an awkward, ugly clank. and i felt as though i should take ownership of my dysfunction along with everyone else.

but i had an extremely hard time doing so. i sort of rushed the process, refusing to feel the weight of the shame and guilt associated with this day in church history.

i am not proud. but i am not self-depraving. i am doing my best. we all are. i seek guidance along the way. i wish peace upon the world and all its creatures. i fail and seek mercy, but i am doing my very best.

this is all very hard for me. i think it is the tension i will always face with being a person of faith in this life. i dont know how to reconcile the very real and strong feelings of guilt and shame for what i do and who i am, but i carry with me an honest insistence that being handed a nail and born into a story is not fair.

oh well i suppose. i believe in a resurrection to new life after murder and after death. i believe in a god who is graceful whether or not i deserve it or if i even think i deserve it or not. and for the record, yes - i think we all deserve some grace. im tired of hearing im undeserving. sorry. praise the lord, alleluia.